I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

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Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.


Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.


People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.


me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table


Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.


Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.


Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.


Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.