“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”