I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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I’d love this…lol
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
felt that
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]