I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
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I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.