I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
(Musicians.)
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.