I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
3% human
97% stress
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me