I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.