Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.