I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
How about daylight saves us for once
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.