I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?