I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
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[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
his wife is probably gonna see that
Y鈥檃ll realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I’m sorry, I鈥檓 about to lose you because I鈥檓 driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week鈥檚 calories?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Pi帽atas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don鈥檛 tell me what to do.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let鈥檚 go we鈥檙e running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!