I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother