I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
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I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
What if the weather talks about us?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.