“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
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On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!