I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
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Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.