I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad