“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Do not go gentle into that good night,
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.