I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.