I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
are they though??
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me trying to “trust the process”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.