i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Whoa 😂
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
This is my emotional support knife.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.