I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
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Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
found this cool rock hiking today
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.