@Smooheed

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

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@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

@Moronyc

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

@ddsmidt

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

@TheAngryMailGuy

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

@flannelinfused

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

@GorillaNipples1

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

@Jeeepsta

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

@PrisonCookies

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

@shutupmikeginn

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes