I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.


The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen


I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.


At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.


[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*


{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.


Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?


I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker


Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot


Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes