I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Oops
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”