I did not eat the cake…
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.