I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I love twitter
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession