I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
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Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
😂🤣😂🤣
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”