I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
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[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’m having an out of money experience.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this