I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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Harsh but fair
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me trying to reach for my goals
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.