“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

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“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker


me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true


My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.


warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit


Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.


me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”


Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.


The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.


COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild