@TheBoydP “That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
@justabloodygame “I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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@TheBoydP 
@Stellar_AF me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
@squirrel74wkgn My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
@TweetPotato314 warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
@ADHDeanASL Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
@ericsshadow Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
@mustyscents me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
@LindaInDisguise Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
@noog The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
@Brampersandon_ COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild