“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?