“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
May never get over this
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
$4 #usedbooks
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s