I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *