“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
You’ll be OK
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.