I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
i made a craigslist ad !
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter