Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

This story is comedy gold 😂