I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
You Might Also Like
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.