@JimGaffigan

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

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@ericsshadow

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

@lloydrang

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

@MarfSalvador

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

@Cpin42

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

@ozzyunc

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

@joejwest

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

@TheRolo

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

@philmann

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened