I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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Anyone want a chair?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
🤣dope