If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*
*Prius spins out of control*
bartender: get this catatonic
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened