“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
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ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
The cashier just checked me out.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.