I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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oh u like geography? name every lake
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My last name is Zilla.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.