I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
December birthdays be like…
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much