I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
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Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
an octopus is just a wet spider
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times