I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.