I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
You Might Also Like
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
why would tinder want me to say this
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy