I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
You Might Also Like
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Don’t talk down to me
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii