I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Oh deer
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
craving $300 all of a sudden
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Trying