I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow