I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day