@ozzyunc

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

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@WilliamAder

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

@radtoria

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

@mulegirl

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

@Marlebean

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

@BabyFishMouth5

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

@Parentpains

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.