I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.