Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart