I didn’t realize that was an option
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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems