I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
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My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Do not levitate over flowers
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
