I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.